Vulnerability, the Ground of Hope

It was affirming and prodding at the same time to hear an interview with Brene Brown at On Being with Krista Tippet on Vulnerability. Hope has been a growing theme in my practice for some time while seeing increasingly how it can evolve in our lives through self and connective nurturing. Nurturing hope in our vulnerabilities has added much new value and teeming life into my own awareness. With hope one more clearly can conceive goals, identify pathways and change thoughts leading to new ways of existence.  

Brene Brown is doing some wonderful research and teaching on the subjects of shame and vulnerability. One of her shared findings is that "our capacity for wholeheartedness can never be greater than our willingness to be broken-hearted." She gives witness to the reality that "hope is a function of struggle."

the idea of wholeheartedness speaks of the nature of connection, to be able to see myself and hear myself and learn more about myself in the stories you tell about your experiences.

my life so far

comes spring with promise of bloom

etched in childhood

If you’re always complaining then try being more negative. By Peter Rollins

Sometimes people think that my work leads to a form of negativity in which we find ourselves lost in a sea of melancholia. The death of the idea that there is something that can render us whole and satisfied sounds, for some, like it sustains and supports a type of eternal complaint against life. But the point is the dialectic opposite: those who constantly complain about their lives are not too negative, rather they have failed to be negative enough.

To clarify, I am talking here of a type of negativity that is insatiable. The type of negativity found in those who are never able to enjoy their existence, regardless of what happens. Those who find it all but impossible to experience depth in their material circumstances (as opposed to legitimate protests against concrete injustice).

In these situations the problem is not that there is too much negativity, but rather that the individual has failed to fully enter into negativity. For behind the claims that ones life is unsatisfactory lies the notion that there is a life, just out of reach, that could offer that satisfaction.

By redoubling this failed negativity to the point where one is freed from the idea of a satisfaction-just-out-of-reach, one is able to enter into a type of material affirmation of the world that exists beyond the superficial nature of both optimism and pessimism.

The individual who is able to loose themselves from the notion that there is some ultimate purpose to their life frees themselves from the negative melancholy that comes with being unable to find that purpose (or the naïve optimism that comes from thinking that they will).

The secret, as John Caputo would say, is that there is no secret. Instead the challenge is to discover and deepen love. For love not only affirms the world, it produces a surplus in that joyful affirmation: acts that enact liberation.

By Peter Rollins (peterrollins.net  / To believe is human; to doubt, divine.)

For further thoughtfulness on this topic, see Apophatic theology (via negative)

Lessons for Living

Five Surprising Principles for Living, Loving, 
and Playing Well with Others.

By Elizabeth Svoboda, Psychology Today, September 03, 2012

Lesson 1 THE ROLE OF RADICAL ACCEPTANCE

You can't fix the ones you love, so focus on fixing yourself.  Self-differentiation

Lesson 2 THE BEAUTY OF BENIGN NEGLECT

It's more harmful to over-parent than to under parent.   Balancing between over and under functioning

Lesson 3 OPPOSITES DON'T FOREVER ATTRACT

Seek a mate whose values and background echo your own.  

The opposites that attract are normally gender or biologically related; yet what about all the other stuff of life. What shall a couple build upon once they have experienced the power of attraction and form a bond? Various interests and likeness (purpose and meaning) are needed to sustain the relationship in a meaningful orbit.

Lesson 4 SOCIAL NETWORKS MATTER

The strength of your friendships is as critical for your health as the lifestyle choices you make.

Don’t make the mistake of making your spouse a deity and the one “soul-mate” who can fill your every void—it just doesn’t work that way.

Lesson 5 LUST DIMINISHES, BUT LOVE REMAINS

Being inured to your partner isn't the same as being out of love.

LOVE is mutuality of devotion forever subduing the antagonisms inherent in divided function.
- Erick Erickson

Love is sweet, but tastes better with bread.
- Yiddish proverb

On Fear: our Positve Capability, by Mary Ruefle

On Fear by Mary Ruefle (click to view article)

". . . neurobiologists have publicly announced the separation of emotion from feeling should be heartening news to poets everywhere, for it implies that to have feelings is on par with highly sophisticated cognitive systems. Feelings are not subpar. On the other hand, lest we forget, let me repeat: to be more emotional and less cognitive is to be less evolved than the species is able to be. It is to be like a four-year-old child. Feelings seem to represent a place where emotions combine with intelligence and experience to create a highly personal thought process that results in an individual’s worldview."

Andrew Wyeth, Squall

Keys to Healthy Relationships

Keys to Healthy Relationships

Through Personal Maturity

(Informed by Family Systems Theory) 

I am at my best in relationships and I am becoming more fully human when . . .

      I take full responsibility for my own emotions and reactions. (vs. “You made me mad . . . glad . . . sad . . .”
      I am able to observe my actions, reactions and patterns of behavior and change them to fit the situation. (vs. trying to change the other)
      I can stay in contact with others in one-to-one relationships, even when tension builds. (vs. distancing, “triangling” or blaming) 
      I am willing to do more than “my share” to initiate contact with others in my significant relationship systems. (vs. rigid reciprocity)
     I recognize that I have a choice about whether to take on the anxieties of others around me. (vs. “group reaction”, over functioning and rescuing)
     I do not require the approval of others around me. (vs. being driven to get approval, being defined by the opinions of others)
     I keep my focus on managing myself. (at least 51% of the time) in and out of relationships (vs. self-criticism or blaming others)
     I make important relationship decisions calmly and thoughtfully, and in light of my values, principles, vision, etc. (vs. emotionally driven, impulsive decisions)
     I can think, decide and act on principle, with the knowledge of who I am and whose I am. (vs. clinging to “togetherness pressures” or “group think”) 

Image: The Conversation by  Abraham Leon Kroll, 1920

Celebrating the Wise Fool

Lily Tomlin in The Search for Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe, tells of a unique figure. She witnessed Trudy, a bag lady, from whom there lived the “kind of madness Socrates talked about, a divine release of the soul from the yoke of custom and convention. “ She is a modern-day Wise Fool, whose loss of sanity opened her mind to the cosmos. Pearson interprets the character a Trudy as one who explains “reality” as nothing more than a “collective hunch” which is “the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it.” She decides to let go of it through the natural use of humor—jokes. (Carol S. Pearson, Awakening the Heroes Within: Twelve Archetypes to Help us Find Ourselves and Transform our World. New York: Harper Collins, 1991) 

 

Breathing Relaxation Technique

Breathing Relaxation Techniques can be practiced at anytime to overcome anger, anxiety, and other draining emotions, or just to get yourself in a place where you can be creative and thoughtful.  Most of us are shallow breathers, and air only stays in the top of our lungs. Deep breathing exercises will get more oxygen into our brains and into the rest of our body and can be a precursor to needed quietness or meditation.

• Sit up straight, lie prostrate or stand up.
• Loosen up clothing, especially if your stomach feels tight.
• Inhale through your nose. Exhale through your mouth.
• Put one hand on your abdominal area (over your belly button).
• When you inhale, feel your hand expanding as air is filled up in your diaphragm
• When you exhale, feel your hand retracting to the initial placement
• Count in your mind the number of inhales and exhales, and gradually level them off such that both take equal counts.
• Slowly, add a count to your exhale.
• Keep adding a count to your exhale until the count for exhales doubles that of the count for inhales.
• Repeat this breathing rhythm for 5 to 10 times.
• Keep your eyes closed in silence for a few minutes afterwards.

Beating Depression

Graeme Obree: building bikes, writing books and beating depression

Source:

Stephen S. Ilardi, Ph D. The Depression Cur: The 6-Step Program to Beat Depression withoutDrugs. Da Capo Press, 2009.

This is common sense advice for managing depression.

1. Eat foods rich in Omega-3 Fatty Acids:  Seafood, oils (flaxseed oil -unheated; canola or soybean oil for cooking), beans (kidney, pinto, mungo), nuts, seeds, spinach, winter squash, broccoli, cauliflower, dietary supplements (fish oil, flaxseed oil).

2. Engage in activities that prevent over-ruminating, for over-ruminating causes depression—socializing, reading, hobbies, creating art, exercise of all kinds.

3. Engage in frequent physical exercise.  Research suggests 30 minutes of brisk walking three times a week can be as effective as some medications and individuals who exercise are less likely to become depressed again later. Common example of physical exercise that be done in one’s own neighborhood are walking, biking, jogging, and weight lifting. Exercise changes the brain, increasing the activity level of important brain chemicals such as dopamine and serotonin and a key growth hormone called BDNF. Because levels of this hormone plummet in depression, some parts of the brain start to shrink over time, and learning and memory are impaired. Exercise reverses this trend, protecting the brain in a way nothing else can.

4. Sunlight exposure is important for keeping the body’s internal clock working properly. Without light exposure, the body clock gets out of sync, throwing off important circadian rhythms that regulate energy, sleep, appetite, and hormone levels. On average – a half hour of sunlight is enough to reset your body clock, even on gray, cloudy days.

5. Social Support and relationships matter. Satisfying human connections influence healthy functioning. Therefore consider ways to increase the number of people in your social network especially those you can confide in.

6. Get adequate, regulated sleep. Disrupted sleep is one of the most potent triggers of depression, and there’s evidence that most episodes of mood disorder are preceded by at least several weeks of sub par slumber. Keep a sleep log. Each morning write the estimated number of hours you slept the night before; include approximately how many times you woke up throughout the night and couldnot get back to sleep for more than ten minutes.  

Finding Meaning from Suffering

 “The experiences of camp life (concentration camp) show that [individuals] have a choice of action. There were enough examples often of a heroic nature, which proved that apathy could be overcome, irritability suppressed. [Individuals] can preserve a vestige of spiritual freedom, of independence of mind, even in such terrible conditions of psychic and physical stress.”  - Viktor E. Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning

     It is essential in life to detect meaning in suffering before moving forward in a flourishing manner. There is certainly no singular way to go about this, yet it is most vital for a person who is suffering to detect a helpful response before moving beyond the pain.
    Even with support, a variety of experiences can occur when one has experienced deep grief, suffering or trauma.  Some are able to "recover" from the symptoms caused by a seismic event like trauma while others can not; and some may even fall into despair. Moreover, often those who fall into despair have come to view their suffering as meaningless. They view their experience of pain and consider all that they have endured and the entire struggle and conclude that they are somehow being punished or that they are permanently damaged.  They say to themselves, "All of this pain, all of this suffering, and for what?  For nothing!"
     So how does one grow from his struggles?  How can one look at a horrible experience and detect genuine meaning?   While every person must answer this question for herself, yet, there are some common "categories of meaning-making."  The following "domains" were developed after an extensive review of the research on posttraumatic growth and were ultimately incorporated into something called the Posttraumatic Growth Inventory (Tedeschi & Calhoun, 1996): 

1. An increased appreciation for life (especially its simple pleasures) and a change in priorities: Some survivors of potentially terminal illnesses talk about appreciating a sunset for the first time.  Minor irritations and petty squabbles no longer seem important.  Time with family and friends seems more precious and is therefore appreciated more.

2. Closer, more intimate relationships with others:  People might rally around a person who has experienced a trauma, offering love and support; this can lead to closer relationships with these people.  In addition, people who have had similar traumatic experiences (e.g., rape victims, children of alcoholic parents, bereaved parents, etc.) often find particular comfort from one another.  This can lead to a whole new network of mutually supportive relationships based on common past experiences.

3. A greater sense of personal strength: After surviving a trauma, a person might conclude, "If I can survive that, I can survive anything!"  You can't really know how strong you are until you are faced with a situation that forces you to tap into your inner strength.  You might find that you are stronger in a crisis than you thought you would be.

4. Recognition of new possibilities or paths for one's life: Sometimes an event changes a person's life so completely that he is forced to change paths.  In his quest to renegotiate his goals for the future, a person might find himself considering possibilities that had never before come to mind.

5. Spiritual development: Perhaps you've heard the saying, "There are no atheists in foxholes."  People often look to a higher power when confronted with a life or death situation.  Sometimes, when faced with his own mortality, a person begins to seriously consider some of life's existential questions.  This in and of itself can be a profoundly spiritual process.   

Compliments to http://spldbch.blogspot.com/ for referencing this information on 01/01/2012